The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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