Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
