i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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