I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
