I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
