none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
