Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
