Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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