I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
