3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
