sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
