either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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