My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
