Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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