Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
