and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
