I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
