Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize