No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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