I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
