What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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