i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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