if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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