Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
it's not cheating when I paid for it
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
