Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
