Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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