Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
