Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Found the puke drawer
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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