youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
