rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
