I got chris browned last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
