The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
