I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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