hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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