if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
