I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
