Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
