Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
