god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
