i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize