final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Boobs speak an international language.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
