Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
