i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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