yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
