Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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