Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
