I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
