why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
