Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
