My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
