so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
