I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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