Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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