I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
