Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
