I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
