I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Randomize
