Banned from zoo.
Again?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
