Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize