I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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