Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
