why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
