They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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